Witches exist, but we humans live peacefully with them while somehow not getting our asses magicked to death by evil witches. Holy shit this picture is all over the place, that’s where I come in to explain. SECRET WITCH POLICE SOCIETY “AXE AND CROSS” It also seems immortality has pussified me so I’ll let you off with a warning and a dapper smile. No, it seems I’ve spent the last 800 years jailing witches instead of exterminating them. VIN, whose immortal regenerative powers do not cover BALDNESS, sits next to a young witch girl. Hey you're right! Maybe there's still time to AW FUCK! Hey, if you had this power why not just make yourself an unkillable immortal? Did you not think of that? No seriously, think about it, you’ll never die, this is a terrible thing I've done to you. (realizes tickets are sold out 800 years in advance)Īlready?! FUCK! I guess I'll just have to settle for using my new-found immortality to viciously murder evil witches like Julie out of existence for centuries to come! Now I’ll live long enough to see all the cool future technology like flying cars and great Broadway shows like Hamilton! Uh, wait, I don’t think you understand what a curse is. Gee, thanks! That’s every human’s dream come true! (chugs a 12-pack of beer and crushes the cans on his forehead)Īre you sure? Because I just read "30 Years of Adventure: A Celebration of Dungeons & Dragons" and I'm pretty sure a potato-headed guy who looks suspiciously just like you wrote the forewordįucker! As my dying act I curse you with immortality so that you will never know the sweet release of death! What? Uh no, not me, no way no how, that stuff's for scrawny pimply faced dorks who don't get laid. Are you some kind of Dungeons & Dragons nerd? Wow Vin, for a musclebound meat-head you're surprisingly good at this role playing game that this movie seems to be loosely based on. +5 damage to your lame magic CGI bullshit. Shit! Okay okay, I’ll block with my Gravely Voice card and invoke my Main Character Invincibility Power card. I block you with a magic enchantment, then I’ll play my “I killed your wife and daughter, muhahahaha, haha” attack card. I defend with my Plot Armor, then stack that with a Flaming Sword attack. Now I’ll attack Vin with my swarm of horrible CGI flies that will not kill him, but will annoy him, slightly! Please ignore the fact I’m covered from head to toe in chunky peanut butter.
VIN runs into the EVIL TREE and all the REDSHIRTS are killed by ORCS! Evil witch queen JULIE ENGELBRECHT appears. Now you all run in and get yourselves brutally killed while I stay behind and survive, verily! We’re going to kill evil witch queen Julie Engelbrecht in her giant Tree of Evil because she’s trying to wipe out humanity with piranha flies. VIN DIESEL and his GRUNGE ROCK MOHAWK are hanging out with a group of VIKING LARPERS.
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